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Last week to my surprise and delight, I discovered that Hogfather was out on DVD. I hadn’t been aware that any of Terry Pratchett’s novels had been turned into films, and given the very positive reviews on Amazon and no easy way to rent it, I bought it. This, it turns out, was a mistake.

The Hogfather DVD is amazingly, phenomenally, mind-boggling bad.

Perhaps bad, even with all those adverbs, isn’t strong enough. Hogfather is horrible. Tedious. A crime against the book. Worse, it doesn’t even manage to be the good kind of bad (where the badness is in itself entertaining). I had to force myself to watch it all the way through, and I couldn’t do it in a single sitting.

At least some of my disgust with the movie comes from the fact that it’s not a movie. It’s a made-for-TV special. Perhaps if I’d been watching sitcoms and soap operas for a week or two and then watched Hogfather, it would be a lot more appealing. Unfortunately, as a rule I don’t watch TV. The closest I come is popping in my Arrested Development DVDs.

Despite my too-high expectations, though, it wasn’t low-budget special effects that ruined Hogfather. It was the fact that the movie completely failed to capture the book.

For anyone who has seen the DVD, this may seem an odd statement. The Hogfather DVD is very faithful to the book (the consistent comments in Amazon reviews to that effect were a big reason I bought it), which would normally make me overjoyed. I despise movies that abandon the books from whence they came (assuming it’s a book I’ve read and loved, that is). I practically can’t watch Howl’s Moving Castle. I loved Stardust, but was all but cursing as I walked out of the theater because of the Hollywood ending.

And yet Hogfather, which sticks fantastically close to the book, is nigh unwatchable.

I’d never thought about it before, but there are two things that a movie adaptation of a book needs: 1) the important details, and 2) the soul of the book.

Terry Pratchett’s work is exuberant, vivid, slapstick, witty, action-packed, and above all fun. The Hogfather DVD, although it got the witty dialogue right, completely missed out on the vivacious core that makes Terry Pratchett’s novels such great reads.

In any given scene in the Hogfather DVD, the actors stand around and talk. If they want to be threatening, they stand really close to each other and talk (”Ooh, I’m calling the personal bubble fairy!” *glingleglingleglingle*). Sometimes they do something while they’re talking, but not very often. Albert (Death’s helper) tries unsuccessfully throughout the movie to roll his own cigarettes. Not surprisingly, Albert is one of the best characters in the movie because he is capable of concentrating on two things at once.

I can only think of two times in my life when I have stood perfectly still (or close to) and talked to someone. Once was in debate class in eighth grade. The second time was during my brief stint as an actor in my final year of high school.

Why is it that mediocre actors think that conversation is about standing still? Human existence is, for the majority of people, about movement. We do things with our hands. If we’re feeling threatened or stressed our muscles tense up (and you can see that in every minor movement we make, even if we’re trying to stand still). Even if our mind is wholly engaged with a fascinatingly witty conversation, our body is up to something.

Terry Pratchett’s characters in the books are constantly moving. Even if there is an extended dialogue sequence, the reader still imagines the characters doing things, because Pratchett is a master at breathing life into spots of ink on a page.

What the Hogfather DVD spectacularly failed to do was capture this living movement. I’m not sure if it was bad acting or bad directing (I suspect both, with a bias towards directing), but the most exciting action in the show (apart from the badly animated CGI pigs) was people walking from place to place (and, in one memorable moment, walking from place to place while a building collapses around their heads; heaven forbid you should run to save yourself). Because the DVD is three hours long (two one and a half hour segments) you’re liable to fall asleep if you try to watch the whole thing in one go.

I could go on. There were innumerable other bad decisions that led to Hogfather being such a spectacular failure. The bizarre materializing beehive hairdo (which ruined the one attractive actor in the movie). The voice effects applied to the Auditors. The choice of Hogfather at all (while arguably the book with the best insight into the human existence, it’s far from Terry Pratchett’s best book and certainly not an easy one to translate to the screen). The fact that everything took twice as long as it needed to in order to fill the time.

There are some books where taking the time to present all the details works. The BBC six hour Pride and Prejudice special, for instance, is a good example (don’t ask how many times I’ve seen it; two younger sisters, ‘nough said). Of course, it had a better cast, as well, which can make all the difference.

Terry Pratchett’s novels deserve better treatment. Getting the dialogue and plot details right isn’t enough. Perhaps it isn’t even preferable. When a movie completely fails to capture the creative spark that’s animating the book, it doesn’t matter if it got every detail right; it’s still going to be a terrible adaptation.

I do not recommend Hogfather at all, even to die-hard Pratchett fans. People who haven’t read the book will be confused by the seemingly random rules of Discworld, while those who have will be forced to endure a lackluster attempt at capturing Discworld on film. Maybe someday a decent Terry Pratchett adaptation will arrive, but that day is not today.

Rented I Am Legend tonight from iTunes, and I was very pleasantly surprised. From what I’d heard when it opened in theaters, I was expecting a pretty terrible movie, but it was actually really good. Definitely an interesting twist on the typical zombie virus story.

Then again, I hear that about the only thing it shares with the book is the premise, so perhaps that’s why people were disappointed. The ending is, granted, a bit of deus ex machina and the “dark seeker” CGI was at times rather over-the-top, but what the hell. Last movie I rented was Beowulf; I can handle some CGI oddness and slightly wonked out storytelling.

If you like horror/zombie movies, I’d recommend I Am Legend. It is, at the very least, worth a rental.

For a movie made by a lot of people I respect, Beowulf is pretty spectacularly bad. I rented it via iTunes last night and watched it with my girlfriend, and about halfway through I turned to her and commented that I hoped whoever wrote the screenplay was never allowed to write again. Imagine my surprise when we reached the end and I discovered the screenplay was written (at least in part) by Neil Gaiman, one of my favorite authors. Party foul, Neil. Major party foul.

Even worse, they decided to do the entire movie in CGI. While I enjoy a CGI movie as much as the next guy, the director and producers apparently decided to pour all of their budget into kickass water, cloth, and hair. Apparently no one thought to remind them that little things like facial expressions are actually way more important than long flowing locks. As a result, the dialogue sequences are like watching wax dolls who are half-asleep. Add that to the terrible script, and you’ve got a recipe for hilarity, but not in a good way.

On the other hand, if you’re looking for a movie you can mock the whole way through, or some mindless fantasy violence, then Beowulf might be for you. Just don’t expect the normally high caliber of the actors and writers to mean anything.

Feast of Love should really have been called “Sex and Sadness”. My girlfriend rented it from iTunes and told me it was like Love Actually but more realistic. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Love Actually, but the cover of Feast of Love made it look like a romantic comedy and after a weekend otherwise filled with realistic, tactical shooter violence I was in the mood for a light comedy or romance so I grabbed my girlfriend’s computer and watched it.

Oops. Now I am sad and shall need to eat ice cream. Feast of Love is a bit of a downer, even if it overall has a happy message. If you like montage-style movies that are very true to real life, then you’ll probably enjoy it. It doesn’t really have anything earth-shattering to say about the human condition, but it is a surprisingly realistic portrayal of life for something with big-name actors in it. Overall feeling: meh. Not a bad movie, but not great. And like I said, now I’m sad. Watch it if you’re feeling bittersweet; I recommend renting over buying.

Shoot ‘em Up is a movie that is in all ways gratuitous. Gratuitous sex (only one scene, but it’s really gratuitous). Gratuitous gore (lots). Gratuitous violence (lots doesn’t cover it; “constant” comes closer). No real character motivation, plot, or relationship with physics unless you’re willing to take your disbelief out back and shoot it.

I had mixed emotions about this movie. On the one hand, really over-the-top violence is sometimes hilarious (Kung Fu Hustle is possibly the greatest action movie ever). On the other hand, I’m often very uncomfortable with realistic violence (trying to watch Braveheart was a disaster). I probably won’t watch Shoot ‘em Up again because it was a little too violent/graphic for me, but I did laugh most of the way through. Your mileage will vary; rent first.

Objectively, it’s a really bad movie. But bad intentionally, and pretty hilariously.

I just watched the most original movie I’ve seen all year, and it was a Japanese animated movie called Paprika. Paprika was a fantastic movie with stunning animation, an original plot, and just enough reality intermingled with the dreaming to keep the action coherent and you on your toes. This is one of those movies where you’ll want to watch it twice to make sure that you didn’t miss anything.

My favorite scene is where two characters are driving in a car in the rain. As one of the characters talks about how several dreams have merged into a collective dream the camera focuses on a water droplet slide down the windshield, growing bigger as it subsumes other droplets and finally flying off with its own momentum.

It’s a beautiful piece of visual metaphor, and pretty much encapsulates the detail and design that made me fall in love with this movie. Keep in mind that although animated, this isn’t necessarily a kid-friendly film, mainly thanks to a couple scenes that could turn into nightmare material (and some female nudity). Other than that, though, I recommend Paprika without reservations.

Went to see Shrek 3 last night (”version originale”, since I’m still in Paris). Whoops. They should have stopped at number two.

This seems to be a theme: Shrek 1, so good. They’re like, “Hell, we can make bank!” and the writers get excited and there you’ve got Shrek 2, surprisingly good. Then the producers are like “WRITE MORE NOW!” and the writers say to one another, “Hey, do you have any ideas?” “No, you?” “Um, what if Donkey and Puss in Boots switched bodies?”

And there’s Shrek 3.

Here’s a hint, for anyone who is writing or producing the third movie in a blockbuster series: if you pound out the script and notice that every conflict is resolved with a heartfelt, cliché-ridden speech…don’t even bother.

Peter Cohen over at Playlist published an article about some analysts who predict that iTunes-style video downloads will go the way of the dinosaur when movie studios start to offer web-based subscription content with targeted advertisements instead. The report sounds like a kick in the pants, but for some reason the analysts are charging $775 to read it. If only I’d known I could make money by making ridiculous claims! How am I missing out here?

Anyway, I always wonder what these people are thinking. I’m sure the movie studios will lap it up, since they probably would make a lot more money with advertisement supported subscription distribution, but consumers? Not if they’re smart. For one thing, although the DRM is restrictive to the point of worthlessness, at least with an iTunes purchase you own the movie or TV show, completely advertisement-free.

Perhaps this makes more sense for shows that you’ll want to watch once and then never see again (I recently tried ordering the Daily Show through iTunes for a few months, and quit because they were taking up space and weren’t something I’d ever watch again), but movies? Thanks, but I’ll stick to no advertisements and something I can keep for a while.

Look out; this update’s a doozy. I haven’t written anything for a blog in a long while, and surprisingly there’s a fair amount I want to write about. So Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here.

I watched Miyazaki’s Princess Mononoke (still not sure why it’s called that instead of Prince Ashitaka, but whatever) last night, and it certainly surprised me. Here I was expecting something along the lines of Totoro, Kiki’s Delivery Service, or perhaps Spirited Away and what I got was a bloody, dark story with complicated characters and a much deeper look at the standard evil vs. good, nature vs. industrialization conflict than is normally portrayed. I was pretty shocked, and mildly disturbed (mainly thanks to my expectations going in; I wasn’t really prepared for the amount of death I was getting myself into).

So since Alan has yet again retreated from the hideous cat-caused stench in his room to Ariel’s, I watched it again tonight with the dubbing instead of the subtitles. Normally I’m really anti-dubbing, but I wanted an excuse to watch it again, and I did some casual computer work while it was running so most of the time I didn’t have to watch their mouths not quite line up with their words. Plus being animated it wasn’t really that much of a problem. Of course some of the voice acting was pretty hilarious, but what was really interesting was that the dubbed version was actually easier to understand than the literal translation of the subtitles (changed things like “Deer God” of the subtitles to “Forest Spirit”, which made much more sense in the context of the story).

But yeah. Very, very pleasantly surprised. Normally Miyazaki films leave me feeling kind of “meh” (although I enjoyed Spirited Away a fair amount). This one had me up stalking around the living room imagining dark fantasy scenes of my own, which is always a good sign that a story has done its work and really gripped me. My only regret is that I gave into temptation (and a desire to see something on the shelf that I hadn’t seen, which makes for slim pickings since a lot of Laurel’s other movies that I haven’t seen are–sorry Laurel–not anything I’d want to see) and watched it without Valerie. I’d been putting it off because I know she likes anime, but since I enjoyed it so much maybe I’ll watch it with her sometime anyway.

In other news, as I mentioned before Alan hasn’t been spending much time here in the evenings, so I’ve pretty much been alone in the house (Ross is at home this week right now). On the one hand, I get to play my music loud-ish over my speakers as late as I want, and I can sing along full voice instead of quietly (I do so love singing along to my music while I work; I went in to work in the office adjoining the Communications office on campus for a while, and it was painful not be able to boot up iTunes and break into song). On the other hand, it’s lonely.

Of course, it looks like I may very well have a few extremely non-lonely nights coming up in the next few months, because I’ve somehow managed to get myself an actual, hourly job that asks for some interesting things. I’ve been hired by a local place in Walla Walla that serves developmentally disabled adults. I’ll be starting a two week orientation on the 19th, and then after that I’ll have a variety of possible duties that apparently could range anywhere from spending a couple of hours with a given person in a day to help them function/learn how to function better to what they call 56 hour shifts, which are basically living with a person for two straight days.

So not so lonely there. I have kind of mixed feelings. I really wanted this job, and am kind of glad that I got it, but it’s going to be quite the experience and I got a lot more web design work than I was expecting.

On the other hand, the web design thing is mostly nebulous and could easily dry up, whereas this job is something that I’ll likely be able to do through the school year as well in a part time evenings and weekends capacity.

On to the happy news of the day: The King of Attolia arrived! I wouldn’t even have known that this book was out, but Valerie gave me a gift card to Barnes and Noble for my birthday, and I stumbled across this book. I read it in a single sitting starting within thirty minutes of its arrival (had to eat breakfast first). It made me very, very happy. For those of you not up on this series, it’s by Megan Whalen Turner and started with The Thief, a book that won a Newberry Honor and was (I believe) meant to be a stand-alone story. I loved The Thief, but wasn’t expecting a sequel until I stumbled across it shortly after it came out in a bookstore while on a vacation with my family. I bought the sequel, The Queen of Attolia, on the spot and devoured it. Then I find this unexpected third book, and while the book wraps itself up well there was obviously a series in Turner’s mind while writing this one. This makes me extremely excited. I think I might actually post a little mini review/rave about King of Attolia and the rest of the series over in Commentary, actually. I really liked this author to start, but now I love her.

Not like I want to have her children or anything, but I’m continually impressed by her decisions. So many fantasy authors fall victim to characters who drift flatly to the extremes of good and evil or just get stuck in a rut of one kind or another and fail to get out. Turner has turned out three very different books with flair, and I’m really looking forward to whatever she does next. She is truly one of those hidden fantasy gems and I don’t understand why her name isn’t as well known as J.K. Rowling. I suppose Queen of Attolia might not be for everyone, but I think it may be my favorite book in the series so far.

In still other news, what also came in the mail today was a splash cymbal from Mom for my birthday. Granted, she didn’t know to buy one part (have the boom stand, don’t have a way to attach it to anything yet), but I’m still ridiculously happy. I don’t play my drumset all that much currently, but I’ve always wanted a splash cymbal; they’re so much fun.

And I think that it might finally be time to end this ridiculously long post and go to bed. Kudos to those who had the persistence to actually read the whole silly thing.